Blindfolded

“Faith and doubt both are needed – not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve.” –Lillian Smith

One of my favorite sites that I come across regularly and never cease to enjoy is that of a lit up airport runway. Nighttime is specifically what takes my breath away. It is the moment when you’re sitting in line, waiting to take off and you make the turn onto the runway and both sides and down the middle of it are lit up. There is something so promising about it. Something encouraging. It says “something is awaiting you.” Promise, hope, and excitement are some of the largest driving forces of human emotion and behavior. You never know what is around the corner. In a world where you never know what day is you last, there is nothing more pure than the hope of something more. It’s nice to be reminded that although, you never know who you might meet, what you might find, what adventure is awaiting you, there is a lit path leading you there.

Eyes Wide Shut

So, tonight is kind of weird for me and kind of exciting at the same time … I’m sitting here watching trailers and TV shows on my new AppleTV on a real TV! I have the option of possibly even getting excited for a movie and actually go see it! I haven’t done a “normal” thing like this since hmmm…. 2008/2009? My life has been so chaotic and transient. Despite the excitement, it’s kind of sad. I’m sitting here in my awesome apartment looking at the beautiful skyline and river with two lit bridges that overlook it all. It’s the exact view and apartment I’ve always wanted (not in Cleveland but I’m very happy with it for now)…The thing is, I always imagined it would be with someone and we’d be doing all this “normal” stuff together and still traveling (a lot like I do now)….which is the life I decided I wanted a long time ago. But here I sit successful in all of that…except, I’m alone and it feels strange and somewhat sad. Years ago, as I sat on the last couch I owned (before this recently purchased one I’m sitting on as I type), married, probably talking about how excited I was for the next episode of LOST to air, I wish I had known a few things. I don’t ever wish I could take back the lessons I’ve learned but if there was some wisdom I could’ve taken with me into the hellish trips that followed, it probably would’ve been useful. If I could’ve written myself a letter, it would’ve looked like this:

Dear CJ (yes, people will call you that in a few years – you don’t want to know what the “J” stands for),

In no way do you need to worry, you will come out fine in the end but for the next few years, keep the following in mind….

– Be prepared for the fallout you know, in your heart, is coming. You will lose your best friend. You will break the promise and vow you made to yourself, your family, your friends and God. It will hurt. It will take a long time to recover from. After he is gone, taking down Christmas decorations by yourself sucks.

-Find a great tattoo artist. Going forward, you have many mountains to climb. Every life changing event equates to a tattoo. Therefore, pick a good artist out now….and no, that does not mean the creepy tattoo apprentice in the corner.

-Manners are important. It’s not an “old school” thing. Being treated with respect, special and protected by your significant other is never, not important.

-Don’t be afraid of who you are. You will make people uncomfortable. You will intimidate people. Your skill set is often not relatable. It is often lonely. Keep your true friends for these moments. They are irreplaceable. Listen to, “She Ain’t Right” by Lee Brice.
“She got her daddy’s tongue and temper, sometimes she could use a filter, God shook his head when he built her, oh but I bet he smiled.”

-“No” means no. To others. To yourself. If you think, or more importantly say the word “no,” do not back down, do not falter, do not question. You are worthy of that right.

-Don’t judge yourself more than you would judge a friend. You are always your worst critic. You will always have parts of yourself that will be “against the norm” and that’s ok. You are ok. In fact, you are amazing.
“In life you’re going to be left out, talked about, lied to and used. But you have to decide who’s worth your tears and who’s not.”

-You can trust yourself. You are logical and you should do what your gut says.

-Your boobs will not grow. Get used to it. Invest in Victoria Secret.

-The past cannot hurt you. The most wise words I have heard on the subject:
“Suppose we’re in a movie theater and a film is being projected on the screen. Sitting in our seat and looking at the film, we may believe this is a true story. We may even cry. The suffering is real; the tears are real. But the experience isn’t happening right now, it’s only a film. If I invite you to come up close to the screen with me and we touch the screen, we can see that no one is there, there’s only light flickering on the screen. We can’t talk to the people onscreen, we can’t invite them to have tea with us, because this is a fictive story, something unreal. Yet it can create real suffering, real depression.”
–Thich Nhat Hanh
I wish I would’ve heard that a long time ago. Face your past and your fears along with it. Embrace them, recognize them and then move on. Constantly running from them will cause them to linger and affect other parts of your life.

-Be your own best friend. No one will keep you company and know what you need more than yourself. Learn as fast as you can to quiet your head and body and listen to your heart. Know you. Love, you.

-You are not selfish. You know what you want. Do not confuse the two regardless of what others say. Doing this early will enable you to trust your decisions in the future.

-You are not crazy.
“Life is only as good as you make it. So, stand up, be bold, and don’t let everyone else define it.”

-You are intelligent. “Behind every successful woman is herself.” Be her.

-You are capable. “Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.” – Walt Whitman

-You will survive.
“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips it’s turn.” – Hal Borland

-You can do whatever you put your mind to so, don’t hesitate.
“The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand

-Trust your instincts. I cannot say this enough. You have no better tool than your instincts. They will guide you and eventually you will make a career out of them.
“Trust your hunches. They’re usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers

-Don’t lie to yourself. The things you are trying to not see, come true regardless if you ignore them or not.

-You are responsible for you thoughts, actions, and feelings.
“To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.” – Melodie Beatty

-Parents and family are not always right and that’s ok.

-Sometimes you just have to be the adult. Don’t fight it. The quicker you get over being bitter about it, the more capable and stronger you become as a woman.
“No one magically becomes an adult the day they turn eighteen. Some people grow up sooner, many grow up later. Some never really do. But just remember that some people in this world are older versions of those same kids we cry for.” ― Ashly Lorenzana

-You are capable of more than you can imagine….far beyond just treading water and trying to survive. Ask yourself daily, “what is best for me?” Then do that.
“Whatever is good for your soul, do that.”

-Fear is different then danger.
“You have to remember fear is not real. It is a product of the thoughts you create. Thoughts you create. Don’t misunderstand me. Danger is very real. But, fear is a choice.”

-Take your time to learn what you need to.
“Knowing when to walk away, is Wisdom. Being able to, is Courage. Walking away with your head held high, is Dignity.”

-You are worth someone falling in love with your soul.
“If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.”

-You go ahead and keep failing, as long as you get back up.

-Don’t be tamed
“Live the full life of the mind, exhilarated by new ideas, intoxicated by the romance of the unusual.” –Ernest Hemingway

-Use your eyes, not your ears. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. In fact don’t even listen to things people say, make your decisions purely based on what you see.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Oprah

-Give up the control.
“One of the happiest moments ever is when you feel the courage to let go of what you can’t change.”

-You are blessed.
“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” – Proverbs 31:25

Lastly, as cheesy as this sounds, never stop dancing.  

Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!

Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!.

“For extra credit, Mrs. Snyder used to make us act out all the parts. Sal Scafarillo was Romeo. As fate would have it, I was Juliet. Most of the girls were green with envy. I wasn’t. I told Ms. Snyder that Juliet was an idiot. For one thing, she falls for the one guy she knows she can’t have… Everyone thinks it’s so romantic: Romeo and Juliet, true love… how sad. If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy, drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum, then she deserved everything she got.” – Grey’s Anatomy

I have a friend who, not too long after I was entering into my last heartbreak, broke up with his girlfriend and then proceeded to get back together with her not long after. I had always admired this particular friend for his ability to think about everything he does and know exactly what he wants and why and then does/gets it, no matter what. He never does anything he doesn’t want or plan to do. So, I was very taken back when this event occurred. After all, he is not one to change his mind or reverse a decision he has made. So, I became somewhat concerned and decided to write him a quick email just encouraging him to keep in mind that what was easiest and most comfortable was not always best. When I saw him next, he pulled me aside to talk about the email and I can vividly recall suddenly wanting to slap the shit out of him because he actually said, “Well, you have to settle at some point, right CJ?” That went against everything I knew and respected about him and I remember being somewhat stunned. I have often looked back on what I felt at the exact moment he said that because it was defining. It was defining in the fact that, although I now believed “happily ever after” MIGHT be a total lie, settling is worse than believing that lie because it then becomes a blow to your self-worth. So, circle back to the original theme of this blog – Happily ever after: what part is for serious?!

I believe that I was correct in believing that fairy tales, in the common form, do not exist. Like the article from my last blog entry states, the media “idealizes love, rather than understanding that love is made not found.” So far, I have found four things to be true about people and love:

1) Everyone’s idea of what love is, differs.

2) How much love is needed is never the same for each person.

3) There are reasons behind both of these things that lead each person to those particular beliefs.

4) Those reasons are not always healthy.

Everyone knows there is pain and suffering in the world, regardless of the safe bubble one may have been raised in, and with the divorce rate at 50% combined with the high percentage of single mothers and domestic abuse, it’s almost totally impossible for one to think that relationships are easy or even remotely fail-proof….you would think. My ex grew up witness to an unhealthy parental relationship, went through a divorce, promised a cynical, independent woman a personalized fairy tale and failed miserably at it and is engulfed in a career that is exists on nothing BUT faux friendships with people whose lives consist of nothing but failed and artificial relationships. Therefore, as you can imagine, I was beyond dumbfounded recently to hear my ex tell me that he still believes in “happily ever after, “the very thing he has failed multiple times at and never witnessed! (Oh, the balls on this man) *<Enter my thought bubble: “What. In. The. Hell??”>* Why? Then it hit me – because it requires no effort. Why does he, why does anyone, believe and/or put stock in that concept? I believe it’s because it takes responsibility off of them and puts it somewhere else, whether it be God, fate, etc. I hear it everywhere… “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” “Let them go, if they come back, it’s meant to be.” “When it’s the right person, you’ll just know.” “I won’t settle for anything less than butterflies all the time.” “Serendipity.” I actually have a girlfriend whose boyfriend broke up with her using the line: “God told me to.” The list is endless. Where is the personal responsibility? Where is the commitment? More importantly, where is the fight? The promise? When did it become magic? Who the hell said, “Poof, here’s your magic genie, here is the love of my life and that means we don’t have to choose or work, or fight for it daily because it is ‘meant to be.’ If any of those things are required to keep a relationship then it obviously was not ‘meant to be’ because love is supposed to just happen and then I live happily ever after and if he doesn’t stand outside of my window with a boombox when I’m upset, it can’t be true love!” Damn you, Nicholas Sparks, Disney, John Hughes and every 80’s movie ever!

Maybe if we dreamt more about someone who will be an equal, bring out the best in you and even if they’re screaming and can’t stand you that day, they show up….Maybe if we dreamt about learning to fill our own voids….maybe if we dreamt about a teammate to embark upon life with – instead of someone to rescue and save us. Then, maybe, we might just find our happily, HEALTHY, ever after.

“…I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I’d take fate into my own hands. I wouldn’t let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said that I’d be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and if I did, we’d be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It’s about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending…” –Grey’s Anatomy

 

Memoirs of a Fairy Tale

“Now moody, now wild, but bringing out results of absolute good sense; restless and wayward in action, but with deep peace at his heart; exulting that he has caught the true aspect of things past, and at the depth of futurity which lies before him…”-Harriet Martinau

So, I’ve wanted to start a blog for a very long time and have had great lists of things to write about and titles, etc. I only, actually, went through and started one after an article was sent to me from a friend regarding, “our idealized notion of romantic love”. (If you wanted to read the article, this is the URL: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21410275) Although, I still am not sure if he sent it because he thinks I am over-romantic or not-romantic-enough…regardless, it made me think a lot about where my road of love has taken me and not taken me. After contemplating this, I decided that my blog would be titled “Memoirs of a FAIRY Tale.”

Fairy tale carries multiple meanings for me. Growing up, I was not much of a fan of fairy tales, Disney, cartoons, or just anything unrealistic (except for Batman) but, for some odd reason I always had a fascination with fairies (NOT TinkerBell, though, let’s make that clear!) I’m not sure if it was a need to grasp some sort of innocence or femininity, or what it was, because let’s be honest, those reasons would be for another type of blog, all together! I did, though, love the real Brothers Grimm stories. In fact, this summed up my view on the subject…
Along, the same lines, romantic stories or your typical romantic comedy never struck a chord with me, either. This is, of course, with the exception of two: Runaway Bride and The Notebook. (Which, I will get into at a later date.) It wasn’t until I was going through my divorce that I realized that I had never, even as a child, believed in “happily ever after” or “Prince Charming” or a fairy tale; period. But, the implications of this were visible in: the men I chose, the life I lead, the beliefs I held and what I found to be acceptable. Unfortunately, this was not discernible to me until I started dating someone that revealed some narcissistic characteristics. One might immediately wonder what those have to do with one another, and I can explain.

In her article, “How I Fell for a Narcissist,” Tina Swithin accurately describes this type of person in stating, “Narcissists have a knack for honing in on your deepest wounds and becoming your loving, caring, band-aid. Unfortunately, this phase is very short-lived, which leaves one in a state of confusion and angst.” (URL: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tina-swithin/how-i-fell-for-a-narcissi_b_2594986.html?utm_hp_ref=daily-brief?utm_source=DailyBrief&utm_campaign=021313&utm_medium=email&utm_content=BlogEntry&utm_term=Daily%20Brief ) This particular man painted pictures that never even entered my mind. Happy? Working towards the same thing? Being on the same level? Someone that challenges me? Someone that drives me to be my best? To be able, for the first time, stop surviving and allow someone to be a partner and *gasp* maybe take care of me? All these things were so foreign to me, I cannot even explain the shock that I was in at the mention of them. This is a key observation because, in my case, if I didn’t know something was an option, how can I miss or desire it? During this period of time, I was working 80 hour weeks paying bills and trying to finish my internship for my master’s degree. I have always been extremely independent, stubborn, and determined to do things on my own; never really knowing anything else. Needless to say, due to this, at the rate I was going, I was going to put myself in the hospital. But, the unthinkable happened. Never in a hundred, billion years did I think anyone would EVER convince me to stop working and 100% trust them to provide all of the emotional, physical and financial support so that I could concentrate on school. All of the promises of protection, effort, faithfulness, support, romance, and passion, etc. were there and staring me in the face and I made the choice to, for once in my life, jump and be vulnerable. This decision on my part turned out to mean, his battle was, for lack of a better word, “won.” After this point in our relationship, he was very-much-on-his-way to completing the typical narcissistic cycle of being a rescuer/protector when it was absolutely necessary to keep me from leaving and then pulling away and coming back, repeatedly keeping the rotation. Unfortunately, we crashed and he burned and got swept-up in power, politics, and alcohol – and other clearly narcissistic-like behaviors. I ended up with nowhere to live, all of my belongings in a storage unit in another state, no job and no money. That was bad for me for more reasons than just those physical problems. It was very bad because if I never thought that the concept of, what everyone else viewed as, a “fairy tale” was possible before, where the hell was I now that I tried and it crashed so hard – I’ll tell you – even more cynical than before. I won’t go into (more) details but it’s been a long road of finding the answer to the romantic/love balance. So, this blog is my journey to finding what (my version) of love is; chronicles of my experience with both a whimsical and Brothers Grimm account of love, and where I landed afterwards…..my Memoirs of a FAIRY Tale.